What The Best Communicators Do To Be Better Understood

No one would talk much in society, if he knew how often he misunderstands others. ~ Johan Wolfgang von Goethe

“OK, now, here is what I want you to do” I said. “Just take these boxes of pop cans and empty them in the coolers along the golf course, a then come back because we have a lot of things to do to get ready for the tournament. Any questions?”.

“Nope”, he replied.

I helped him load the cartons onto the tractor, and then watched him disappear over the hazard on the first hole, like a ship vanishing over the horizon. I turned to my other tasks at hand and soon forgot about the “refreshments” item that was number five the endless list of “to-do’s” that had to be done before the participants showed up.

An hour or so later, I wondered just where this guy had gone. Maybe he had tractor problems, or just maybe he was a little slower carrying out this job than I had thought he would be. I decided to go look for him and found him out behind the pro-shop unloading empty cans and boxes from the tractor. “What are you doing?” I asked innocently. “Oh, there you are” he replied, “What do you want me to do with the empty cans?” “Empty cans?” I queried, “What empty cans?” I could feel a cold chill going up my back.

I had the uncomfortable feeling that the day had changed… for the worse.

“Why, the cans from the pop that you asked me to empty into the coolers.” He said. By now, I was in an almost frothing frenzy, “You emptied all of the cans of pop into the coolers?” each word becoming increasingly higher pitched than the last. By now, it looked to me like he was getting an idea that he had messed up because he was backing away from me and he had that “deer in the headlights” look that foretold impending doom and the sudden realization of “oh crap, what do I do now!” as he watched the car (me) bearing down on him at a high speed. “Well, you told me to empty the cans in the coolers!” he blurted out. “I told you to empty the cans in the coolers, not EMPTY the cans in the coolers!” I exploded. I couldn’t believe what was happening. “How could he be so stupid?” I thought. Surely he didn’t use any common sense. It was then that I realized that there is nothing common about common sense. Well, after that outburst I realized that there was really nothing that I could do to remedy the situation. It didn’t matter; all of the soft drinks were going to be flat by now anyway. So i simply had to resign myself to the backlash that was about to be unloaded all over me by my boss.

Have you ever asked someone to do something, and they did what you said but it was not what you meant?

For me, it’s not the fact that some people didn’t do as I asked, I usually get frustrated with myself because I wasn’t understood in the first place.

It’s like we are both in the same conversation, but hearing different things.

I suppose it’s true that two monologues do not make a dialogue.

For understanding between people to take place, there has to be a connection of our minds, ears and eyes. If we don’t understand the truth of what the other person wants, then we make assumptions. It is, of course, the assumptions we make that cause the problems in communications. When we make them, we make them from our knowledge on the subject at hand, by the way in which it (the message) was communicated, our prejudices (likes and dislikes) on the topic, our attitude towards the person communicating and the job itself. If we have any doubts about doing the chore then our confidence, or lack of it turns on and speaks doubt into our heads and we don’t even hear what is being said. Then, because we have totally missed what was said, we don’t ask for clarification or for the message to be repeated. It’s not that we don’t listen to the outside conversation, it is just that there are two conversations going on simultaneously and we hear the one we relate to the loudest: The one that says we can’t or won’t. So, even if it was said as clearly as possible, if the other person has doubts, there will undoubtedly be complications in understanding.

Our doubts are our traitors when listening or learning.

So, how do we become better listeners?

The short answer is practice. The difficult answer is by building accountability into every conversation: In other words, taking action on what we hear. The first step to building accountability is to review the conversation with the other person to ensure that we have listened clearly and accurately. Not a word for word review, but simply a short summary of what was heard. Robert Fritz calls it a “Dis-Translation”, or Details Into Shape, which simply means that we listen to the other person and then translate what we heard into a short summary, and see if we have the same picture in our minds as was transmitted.

Whatever you call it, it all depends on our ability to listen, reserve making judgements or assumptions and getting the whole message, body language and words.

Here are a few guidelines for developing better listening skills:

1. Begin every conversation with a willingness to listen and to understand.
2. Before starting the conversation, release the stresses that you have accumulated during the day. Focus on the other person and be in the moment. Live in experience tight conversations, or simply take them one at a time.
3. If possible, avoid distractions. Turn off the TV, blank out your computer monitor or turn yourself away from it.
4. Focus on the message, not on the delivery. Have you ever counted the number of times someone clears his/her throat or says umm or ahh? If so, you weren’t focusing on content.
5. Stay active in the conversation by asking questions and getting involved. If you are involved, then you learn more.
6. Take action on what is heard and understood, if action is prescribed.

Following these simple guidelines will greatly enhance our abilities to connect with others and build your relationships.

This week, please don’t do what I did in this example by assuming that the other person knew what I was talking about. If, during a conversation, you have doubts about the other person understanding your message, stop and ask questions to ensure they see the same picture as you do

Don’t take chances on being misunderstood, it can be very costly. Seek instead to give clear messages with clear pictures and when you do, you will surely avoid stressful “I didn’t say that” situations.

Make this your best week ever!

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My vision is quite simple: to make an impact on the lives of the people who have been entrusted to me: You (for reading this article), my family and my clients.

I coach people. Direct, practical, innovative, meaningful. I coach for excellence.I love what I do… and so do my clients.

Over the years I’ve noticed that business coaching that was supposed to make us stronger actually took away our confidence and made us doubt ourselves. Confidence and people skills aren’t developed just by measuring and planning everything, they grow through doing and learning from experience and by taking risks. People want to make a difference. Build teams. Be better understood. Live more confidently.

I am committed to creating a world where business people communicate and act with confidence to create better worlds for themselves. Worlds where they feel powerful and free to express themselves. Worlds where something as simple as conversation creates energy, understanding and impact. Worlds so exquisite, I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

If you found this article helpful, insightful or moving, please let me know, if you think it can help others, please share it with them.